Well, it’s no secret to my oldest that Mommy had a life before he was born, and it’s because of that life before his arrival that he exists today. However, I’m no longer with his biological father. Yes, I said biological father, not real dad. In all honesty, we all have biological parents; they’re the ones who contribute to our DNA. Since I had no prior connection with my son’s biological dad, when he entered the picture, I had to find a truthful way to explain him to my son.
Instead of using the term “stepparent” for his baba (my spouse), I referred to the other half of my son as the “biological father” or bio dad. I did this because it’s a fact. I explained to my son that we all have biological parents, and sometimes we grow up with both biological parents, sometimes with one, and other times with neither. In his case, he was growing up with his biological mom and my spouse, his baba.
So now, my son knows he has a biological dad, also known as his BD. Yes, it’s my son’s BD, not my baby daddy. The reason for this is because there is no attachment between him and me. He’s attached to my son, making him my son’s biological dad. No shade, just facts.
Nevertheless, recently this individual was awarded a visitation schedule, and we’re about four visits in. The first one seemed to go fine. However, during the second visit, my son returned in tears because his biological dad told him he couldn’t wear nail polish since he’s a boy. Just for reference, my son is only six years old and doesn’t associate nail polish with gender; he purely likes the colors. He thinks they are delightful.
Following that visit, my son expressed his reluctance to go back. As a protective mom, I assured him he didn’t have to return. But it turns out he did. His biological dad called the police on a 6-year-old when my son resisted going with him. This individual convinced the police to force my son to go with him, disregarding my son’s basic humanity and feelings. It was heart-wrenching to watch my child being forcibly placed in the back seat of a car while crying for his mommy.
Subsequently, on the fourth visit, my son returned with a new haircut. It’s worth noting that receding hairlines are common on both sides of my son’s biological lineage, with his biological dad, my brother, and my father all having receding hairlines. Due to this, I had refrained from giving him a haircut with a lineup. He received regular haircuts but no lineups.
Of course, my son loved his new haircut and was excited about it. I tried not to let my frustration show, as this person’s intention seemed to be an effort to provoke me, and I wouldn’t give them that satisfaction.
But the real kicker came when my son shared some peculiar conversations he had with his biological dad. He told my son that girls cannot be with girls and that he shouldn’t watch “girl shows.” These statements were perplexing, as a show is just a show. On a side note, my objective is to raise my children to be gender-neutral, and not confined by gender stereotypes.
Undoubtedly this situation is indeed complex and serves as a stark reminder to be cautious about who you choose to have children with. In my case, I didn’t exercise enough caution, and now I’m navigating a situation where I hardly know the person who shares part of his DNA with my son. We don’t communicate beyond designated drop-off and pick-up locations.
Now, I’m left trying to instill love and acceptance in my child while someone else is attempting to teach him to hate and discriminate. That’s why I emphasize the importance of love above all else, and I’ll continue to instill in my child the values of love, acceptance, and appreciation for all people.
What are your parenting goals?